Friday, December 22, 2006

Holiday Letters

Dear Family and Friends:

No matter how cheesy or cliche they are, we really do enjoy receiving your holiday cards and letters. It's a treat to watch your children grow up and we marvel at how beautiful they all are. Perhaps it's not necessary to tell us about every single trip you've taken this year, or include a picture of your outrageous mansion that you carved out an entire hillside to build. Nevertheless, thank you for including us among those you send your holiday greeting to. And for those of you who go through the annual trouble to make your newsletter funny and charming, an extra special thanks.

Dear School Mommies:

Enough is enough. Thank you but you really don't need to bring treats for the whole class for every single stinking holiday. You don't need to throw impromptu class parties without giving anyone else the opportunity to participate. Our children don't need one more bag of cookies, no matter how beautifully frosted with each of their names in color coordinated icing, one more little toy and one more cute pencil. While we're at it, you don't need to be in class every single stinking day. Either decide you don't like the teacher and move your kid, or decide to support her and get out of her way. Just because it's her first year teaching and she's got enough to handle with 20 six-year olds without having to manage their pushy moms, doesn't mean she needs you to run her classroom. Besides, you're making the rest of us feel uncomfortable.

Dear Retailers:

It's called the holiday rush. Staff up.

Dear Residents of a Certain Southern California Neighborhood:

It's time to put your homes up for sale. I'm in love with your neighborhood, can almost manage to afford a house in it and love the school my daughter attends there (in spite of certain mommies) and don't want to move her to a different one. I've got 16 combined years of elementary school ahead of me and that is the school I want my kids to walk to. You have a willing buyer. So cash out, move on and move out. After 8 long years, it's my turn.

Dear Nigella Lawson:

I caught an episode of your show on Food Network and decided to make your Quadruple Chocolate Loaf Cake as my gift to give this year to those on my list who actually merit a home-baked present. While I love the fact that you make the entire thing in a food processor, now that I've made 6 of them I'm wondering if the whole thing is worth it. I think it could've been more chocolaty, and the whole syrup thing results in kind of a sticky mess. Notwithstanding some of the substitutions I made (replacing half the butter with applesauce, using light sour cream when I ran out of regular) for all the fat and calories as well as all the effort required, this should just be a little bit better.

Dear Mailman:

Thank you for having the most sincere and appreciative response of anyone I gave a gift to this year. How gracious and surprised you were to receive just a small tin of chocolates. Your reaction made me feel so great, so thanks. And thanks is really all that's required, isn't it. Because if your reaction to a gift I got you is anguish at the time and expense I willingly and happily expended, it just puts a huge damper on the entire process.

Dear Kids:

Despite the nagging, whining, fighting and messes, you guys have been awesome lately. It has been so much fun to participate in your year-end activities and watch your excitement at all the holiday goings-on. Mommy might have been stressed recently, but she never for a minute forgot how magical the holidays are for you guys. The next few days are going to be a ton of fun!

Dear Everyone Else:

However you celebrate the holidays, I hope yours are filled with all the big and small things that make this time of year so special. I know you're stressed, tired, and still have a ton left on your to-do list. Still, think twice about cutting someone off on the freeway, stealing a parking spot at the mall, or cutting in line at the check stand. Instead, remember that your smile may be the only thing lighting up someone's holiday, so make it big and wide and let them get in front of you for once. Happy Holidays to all!


OneScrappyChick said...

Oh Torreh.. thanks so much for this.. you did great with the letters. Merry Christmas to you too!!

Anonymous said...

T ... you rock girl, that's all I can say! You rock!

Meghan said...

See,this is post is why you are my favorite!!! (psst, don't tell the others!)

Felicia McB said...

awesome post Torreh, really well said all the way around!
Happy holidays to you and yours

Scrappytbear said...

Those are really Funnnnny! I love your take on them! Great job! lol

Kim - ScrapToMyLu said...

You crack me up. But I was getting a little uncomfortable about the school moms one. :)